SUPER HIPPIE YOGA SPEAKERS

UBER HIPPIE YOGA SPEAKERS

 

Renée A. Hermiz

 

INT. UBER HIPPIECRATIC & ORGANIC FITNESS STUDIO – DAY

 

BENDY (jolly-natured uber hippie) starts class; LUIS enters.

 

BENDY

A new presence enters our dimension of existence beyond the physical. What’s your term, easy-rider?

 

LUIS

Huh? Oh, hi I’m just here for the Yoga class? My term—name! Aha. I’m Luis.

 

BENDY

Luis, come join the endangered species of the astral plane. Cop a Chapati; let’s day-glow together.

 

The class moves into a forward bend; Luis awkwardly copies.

 

LUIS

I’m sorry, what are we doing?

 

RAVEN

What, are you trippin’ man?

 

BENDY

Tune in, turn on, drop out, Raven. Stop acting like a trippy paraquat and start taming your changes. Lu, be the boss of your blossoming bulbs and guide them upward.

 

LUIS

What bulbs of mine are blossoming?

 

RAVEN

Your freaky toes, man. Like, Bendy, are we gonna have to transmit a Kundalini to this guy all class?

 

LUIS

Hey, I’m just trying to follow along.

 

BENDY

Don’t make me light matches to your bare asses, kids. Lu’s new. Put the kibosh on the bunk and reverse the Chapati, rolo-style.

 

Class moves into different modifications of a wheel.

 

LUIS

Wait, so, I’m supposed to … I’m confused. How should I rolo into it?

 

BENDY

Your ears didn’t receive?

 

LUIS

Is this some kind of required language I need to learn cuz—?

 

RAVEN

Shut your trap and get into a wheel dipstick! It ain’t stars.

 

BENDY

Yikes, Raven, your hate makes my asana throb in the wake of this lip flapping skuzz. Don’t choose off Luis.

 

LUIS

No, no, it’s cool; I’ve been chewed off for confusion before. I can follow. I’ll just keep my lip slappers glued to their flowers and … that … stuff.

 

Bendy changes into a deep lunge stretch; class follows.

 

BENDY

So, when I’m in this position, I like to think about organic vegetables mixed with qinoa and doused with lemon juice–talk about leaving the KYBO with a smile.

 

LUIS

Can I just ask what a kybo is?

 

RAVEN

This ditz meat’s thicker than a 5 dollar malt! Keep Your Bowels Open.

 

LUIS

You keep yours open!

 

BENDY

Rave, you’re being a sosh. Spaz out in my class again and I’ll be forced to make you cut out. Stay strong, Luis. It’s an acro-nym for bathroom. Let’s channel our words into the strobe light of all postures.

 

Class moves into variations of the dolphin or headstand, following Bendy’s instructions. Luis is lost and angry.

 

BENDY (cont)

Allow your zen to be distorted by the blue flamed presence of your hybrid powered lungs. Draw your tubular wand inward to counter the gravitational forces of all your Venus in Furs, pressing your love stalks--.

 

LUIS

--whoa. Whoa! Love stalks? Furs? This is insane! What the freaking Hell are you saying?

 

Class gasps on “hell.”

 

BENDY

I’m gonna stop you right there, space cadet. You are detoxing from the fumes of a peptic society.

  

RAVEN

Patchouli his virgin ass out of the dharma square, Bendy. He’s hassled!

 

BENDY

I swear to Buddha, Raven, one more freak out and I’m flippin you the boogie sign. As part of the uber-hippiecratic creed, I must help this lost soul find the orgo-natural path. Rage on with us Luis as we all blow your H bomb outta this room with the mega body flip. We’ll let this slide.

 

Bendy “flips” into the plow. The class follows.

 

LUIS

Ok, but I’m not a virgin.

 

BENDY

You’re so heard.

 

LUIS

And I’m not a detoxing drug addict.

 

BENDY

Peace in the Middle Beast. So, when I’m in this position I like to think about that organic hunk of rad designs on Vampires and Me.

 

ROBIN

Saber Pureblood? He’s so cosmic.

 

BENDY

My righteous limbs tingle for Saber. That’s right class, Robin and I are only thinking about stretching muscles here.

 

Class nerd-laughs at the joke.

 

LUIS

What else would you be stretching?

 

BENDY

Back up. Widen the legs and shift into psychedelic mid splits as I assess Luis. Lu, you’re turning my groovy into gnarly.

 

LUIS

Well, maybe if you would talk normal, I wouldn’t have to ask all these questions. I can’t understand you or these freaked out rules of entrance. I joined this naked lunch to jet the ego trippin’ napalmers outta my earth and all I’m getting from this tribe is groady negativity up my candy ass!

 

Entire class “whoa’s” in admiration.

 

RAVEN

Whoa, Lu. You’re out of the bone yard.

 

LUIS

What? What are you talking about?

 

BENDY

You just used the language of the flower children. You’re totally detoxing. All is copasetic!

 

LUIS

(near tears) Hey … I … I did, didn’t I? Shine on me, I get it! I’m vibing with the New Age Travelers! I am detoxing!

 

RAVEN

You’re one of us cats now.

 

Class applauds, getting into a legs wide circle feet to feet.

 

BENDY

This is our mutual circle of love for you Luis. When I’m in this position, I like to think about banning bombs and bras … bummers and brody knobs …

BLACKOUT.

EXTREME AIRPLANE JITTERS

AIRPLANE JITTERS

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

MIKE and LARRY sit next to each other on airplane; Mike at window, Larry on aisle. Mike fidgets. Larry reads.

MIKE

It’s so hard to get comfortable on these planes – I rarely fly.

LARRY

Key is to just stay calm, try to relax and keep control.

Mike leans his arm too much over the armrest between them, so that his elbow pokes Larry. Larry reacts.

MIKE

Right. Oh – sorry! ‘been 15 years since I flew last. Last minute wedding in Seattle, where I’m from. Sis is eloping – crazy! Usually I take the train, but—

LARRY

Hey, look, friend, I’ve really gotta get some work done, so …

MIKE

Ohhh, oh right. My bad. Lips sealed. Now, how does this work?

Mike talks to himself as he tries to get the tray in front of him down. Having trouble, he disturbs person in front.

DANIELLE

Hey can you stop jerking the seat? How hard is it to unlatch the tray?

MIKE

Oop! Easier than I thought. Sorry about that – got it down. (beat) Boy, is this seat a piston?!

Larry annoys all around him as he tries to recline his seat. Once he does, the person behind him reacts.

SAMMY

Ow! You just slammed back on my knees, man. Ease up, yo.

MIKE

Right. Sorry all. I’m set now.

Mike reaches under front seat for his chip. Bag opens loudly; every time he reaches for a new one, bag sounds.

MIKE (cont)

I forgot how confining plane’s are. I remember when – oh. Sorry, I said I’ll keep quiet – zipped.

LARRY

Thanks. And would you mind pouring your chips on a napkin so I don’t have to hear the bag crinkle every time you reach in?

MIKE

Sure! Didn’t even think of it.

Mike pours chips on napkin and tucks bag quietly away. He pulls out his ipod and starts listening. Music is loud.

LARRY

Ok, see, now you’re music’s too loud.

MIKE

Touchy, touchy. Even Mozart, huh?

LARRY

Anything at that level is disruptive. Don’t you realize how loud you’re being?

DANIELLE

Yep, I can hear it up here.

SAMMY

And I can hear it back here.

LARRY

See man? That means you gotta turn it down. Look, we’ve got a long flight ahead. Most of us aren’t comfortable; try to stay still?

MIKE

I just get so nervous, trying to keep myself busy with things so I don’t think about crashing.

LARRY

We’re not going to crash. How about this? Why don’t you sleep?

MIKE

Well, I never have on a plane.

LARRY

Just lay back, close your eyes and we’ll be landed before you know it.

MIKE

Ok, I’ll try. Just lay back …

Mike closes eyes, falling asleep. He snores illustriously.

LARRY

Hey! HEY! Wake up. What, is it engrained in you to be annoying?

MIKE

What? What did I do?

LARRY

You snore like thunder with a flu.

MIKE

Well, it’s because I’m on edge, ok?! Ugh. You people are so demanding. You’re ganging up on me.

LARRY, DANIELLE, SAMMY

No, we’re not. That’s not how it is.

MIKE

Yes it is. I’m scared. Can’t you understand? I’m trying! I’ve extended every courtesy I could.

LARRY

All right. You know what? Why don’t we start over, k?

MIKE

I guess! I’ll give this another chance but, I have to get up, first and pee this outta my system.

Larry gets up to let Mike out, who awkwardly leaves aisle. But, he comes immediately back, disturbing all again.

LARRY

What was that about? You didn’t even go!

MIKE

(testily) Someone is in there.

LARRY, DANIELLE, SAMMY

Then wait for them to get out!

MIKE

There is no waiting in the aisle!

SAMMY

Yes, you can, dipshit. The seatbelt sign is off.

DANIELLE

It’s common sense – hello.

Mike hesitates uncomfortably in Larry’s space.

MIKE

I can’t, the attendant is coming.

LARRY

She’s just doing drinks. Go!

Mike goes and is gone for a long beat. Odor comes from bathroom.

LARRY

I can’t breathe!

Mike opens bathroom door. All reel from smell. Masks drop.

ATTENDANT (V/O)

Everyone please remain calm and breathe through the gas masks. This plane is heading down for an emergency landing due to air contamination. Don’t panic; you may pass out.

Mike stands awkwardly in aisle, not needing a mask.

MIKE

Geez, I’m really sorry about this everyone. How embarrassing … I was just holding in so much anxiety …

Some fall to ground, Larry included, trying vainly to reach for Mike’s throat, screaming in mask, but he passes out.

BLACKOUT.

ASSYRIAN MOM STAGE MANAGES DRAMA TO OUTWIT AIRLINE REP

ASSYRIAN MOM STAGE MANAGES DRAMA TO OUTWIT AIRLINE REP

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

MOM stands in a corner of Detroit Airport. NINA walks up.

NINA

Mom, they don’t care that we missed it last night. It’s 900 bucks for us to fly to LA today.

MOM

Each? Oh my Godt! Why you didn’t drive faster yes’erday? Like old lady on road. Ahoo! How we can see your sister in the Angeles now?

NINA

Ugh, I don’t— let’s just not go.

MOM

Why we not go? I paid for fly! No, we have to go. We need a plan. (Pauses to think) It was accident.

NINA

Accident? Mom, it was our fault.

MOM

Nina, don’t think. It was car accident. Tha’s why we late.

NINA

They’re gonna know we’re lying.

MOM

Hey, tha’s enough! Assyrians don’ lie. We trick. Like trick an’ treat. We trick they treat. Is the life like that. Hold this habibty.

Mom gives Nina a Rosary.

NINA

Mom! A Rosary? They’re gonna think we’re insane Jesus people.

MOM

We pick it the grapeleave and berry from people backyard. They already think we crazy. So what?

Mom puts carry on bag straps on Nina’s shoulders.

NINA

Mom, what are you doing? Just keep the carry-ons on the rolling bags.

MOM

Is for thee effect, Nina. Is more dramatic if we look sa’tressed.

Mom tussles Nina’s hair, then her own.

NINA

Heyyy! Mom, I just did my hair!

MOM

Ahoo- how you think! We were in hospital las’ night, ok? Le’s go.

They exaggerate stress going to the REP at the counter.

NINA

Hi again, I forgot to say befor—

MOM

Oh my heart! We were in accident so bad. Thanks God we did not die!

REP

Now, now, your daughter already told me you were late yesterday.

MOM

Nooo, you don’ understan. We were in hospital! Her brain is confuse. We need to fly the Angeles no charge.

NINA

She means fly to LA without fees.

Mom flashes a look at Nina.

REP

Look, without a doctor’s note, I can’t just give you free flights.

MOM

(sternly) Why you can’t? I paid.

REP

No, you missed the flight you paid for and I don’t believe your story.

MOM

Will you belief ‘nother daughter is having baby alone in the El A?

NINA

(scoldingly) Mom?

REP

Then, I’m sure her husband’s cari-

NINA

She doesn’t have a husband or a—

MOM

(gasps) Of course she has husband!  She’s Chaldean/Assyrian girl. (to Nina) Don’ be dirty. (to Rep) Hers husband is in Iraq, fighting the war.

NINA

(dryly) Yeah, he might not even exist anymore. Him or the baby—

MOM

(shoots a look) Nina, don’ push.

REP

You expect me to believe your daughter is in labor while her husband is in Iraq and you missed a flight from an accident? Really?

MOM

Oh? Am I really have heart attack?

REP

I’m sorry?

MOM

(pounding her chest, screaming)

Oh my Godt! This Repsentive sa’tressed me out so much, I’m have heart attack! My heart leaves me today! Libbi khlousli! Why?

REP

(on mic) This lady is not really having an attack. You can all stop looking concerned now and go to your planes before you miss them.

NINA

Mom? Mom!(to Rep) Look what you did!

REP

I didn’t … This isn’t real, is it?

MOM

My daughter is pregnant alone! This Repsentive says no, not fly for free after I pay … after accident … after hospital. Ohhh!

Travelers yell at the Representative.

REP

(on mic) Stop harassing me everybody. This has gotta be fake. Ugh. (off mic) Ok, ok, I’ll send you on the next flight without extra fees, free, just end this.

MOM

(immediately calm)

Free? Ok. An’ maybe firs’ class—

REP

Don’t push it.

MOM

I’m Assyrian. I always push, habibi … tha’s the life like that.

BLACKOUT.