ASSYRIAN MOM STAGE MANAGES DRAMA TO OUTWIT AIRLINE REP

ASSYRIAN MOM STAGE MANAGES DRAMA TO OUTWIT AIRLINE REP

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

MOM stands in a corner of Detroit Airport. NINA walks up.

NINA

Mom, they don’t care that we missed it last night. It’s 900 bucks for us to fly to LA today.

MOM

Each? Oh my Godt! Why you didn’t drive faster yes’erday? Like old lady on road. Ahoo! How we can see your sister in the Angeles now?

NINA

Ugh, I don’t— let’s just not go.

MOM

Why we not go? I paid for fly! No, we have to go. We need a plan. (Pauses to think) It was accident.

NINA

Accident? Mom, it was our fault.

MOM

Nina, don’t think. It was car accident. Tha’s why we late.

NINA

They’re gonna know we’re lying.

MOM

Hey, tha’s enough! Assyrians don’ lie. We trick. Like trick an’ treat. We trick they treat. Is the life like that. Hold this habibty.

Mom gives Nina a Rosary.

NINA

Mom! A Rosary? They’re gonna think we’re insane Jesus people.

MOM

We pick it the grapeleave and berry from people backyard. They already think we crazy. So what?

Mom puts carry on bag straps on Nina’s shoulders.

NINA

Mom, what are you doing? Just keep the carry-ons on the rolling bags.

MOM

Is for thee effect, Nina. Is more dramatic if we look sa’tressed.

Mom tussles Nina’s hair, then her own.

NINA

Heyyy! Mom, I just did my hair!

MOM

Ahoo- how you think! We were in hospital las’ night, ok? Le’s go.

They exaggerate stress going to the REP at the counter.

NINA

Hi again, I forgot to say befor—

MOM

Oh my heart! We were in accident so bad. Thanks God we did not die!

REP

Now, now, your daughter already told me you were late yesterday.

MOM

Nooo, you don’ understan. We were in hospital! Her brain is confuse. We need to fly the Angeles no charge.

NINA

She means fly to LA without fees.

Mom flashes a look at Nina.

REP

Look, without a doctor’s note, I can’t just give you free flights.

MOM

(sternly) Why you can’t? I paid.

REP

No, you missed the flight you paid for and I don’t believe your story.

MOM

Will you belief ‘nother daughter is having baby alone in the El A?

NINA

(scoldingly) Mom?

REP

Then, I’m sure her husband’s cari-

NINA

She doesn’t have a husband or a—

MOM

(gasps) Of course she has husband!  She’s Chaldean/Assyrian girl. (to Nina) Don’ be dirty. (to Rep) Hers husband is in Iraq, fighting the war.

NINA

(dryly) Yeah, he might not even exist anymore. Him or the baby—

MOM

(shoots a look) Nina, don’ push.

REP

You expect me to believe your daughter is in labor while her husband is in Iraq and you missed a flight from an accident? Really?

MOM

Oh? Am I really have heart attack?

REP

I’m sorry?

MOM

(pounding her chest, screaming)

Oh my Godt! This Repsentive sa’tressed me out so much, I’m have heart attack! My heart leaves me today! Libbi khlousli! Why?

REP

(on mic) This lady is not really having an attack. You can all stop looking concerned now and go to your planes before you miss them.

NINA

Mom? Mom!(to Rep) Look what you did!

REP

I didn’t … This isn’t real, is it?

MOM

My daughter is pregnant alone! This Repsentive says no, not fly for free after I pay … after accident … after hospital. Ohhh!

Travelers yell at the Representative.

REP

(on mic) Stop harassing me everybody. This has gotta be fake. Ugh. (off mic) Ok, ok, I’ll send you on the next flight without extra fees, free, just end this.

MOM

(immediately calm)

Free? Ok. An’ maybe firs’ class—

REP

Don’t push it.

MOM

I’m Assyrian. I always push, habibi … tha’s the life like that.

BLACKOUT.