EXTREME AIRPLANE JITTERS

AIRPLANE JITTERS

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

MIKE and LARRY sit next to each other on airplane; Mike at window, Larry on aisle. Mike fidgets. Larry reads.

MIKE

It’s so hard to get comfortable on these planes – I rarely fly.

LARRY

Key is to just stay calm, try to relax and keep control.

Mike leans his arm too much over the armrest between them, so that his elbow pokes Larry. Larry reacts.

MIKE

Right. Oh – sorry! ‘been 15 years since I flew last. Last minute wedding in Seattle, where I’m from. Sis is eloping – crazy! Usually I take the train, but—

LARRY

Hey, look, friend, I’ve really gotta get some work done, so …

MIKE

Ohhh, oh right. My bad. Lips sealed. Now, how does this work?

Mike talks to himself as he tries to get the tray in front of him down. Having trouble, he disturbs person in front.

DANIELLE

Hey can you stop jerking the seat? How hard is it to unlatch the tray?

MIKE

Oop! Easier than I thought. Sorry about that – got it down. (beat) Boy, is this seat a piston?!

Larry annoys all around him as he tries to recline his seat. Once he does, the person behind him reacts.

SAMMY

Ow! You just slammed back on my knees, man. Ease up, yo.

MIKE

Right. Sorry all. I’m set now.

Mike reaches under front seat for his chip. Bag opens loudly; every time he reaches for a new one, bag sounds.

MIKE (cont)

I forgot how confining plane’s are. I remember when – oh. Sorry, I said I’ll keep quiet – zipped.

LARRY

Thanks. And would you mind pouring your chips on a napkin so I don’t have to hear the bag crinkle every time you reach in?

MIKE

Sure! Didn’t even think of it.

Mike pours chips on napkin and tucks bag quietly away. He pulls out his ipod and starts listening. Music is loud.

LARRY

Ok, see, now you’re music’s too loud.

MIKE

Touchy, touchy. Even Mozart, huh?

LARRY

Anything at that level is disruptive. Don’t you realize how loud you’re being?

DANIELLE

Yep, I can hear it up here.

SAMMY

And I can hear it back here.

LARRY

See man? That means you gotta turn it down. Look, we’ve got a long flight ahead. Most of us aren’t comfortable; try to stay still?

MIKE

I just get so nervous, trying to keep myself busy with things so I don’t think about crashing.

LARRY

We’re not going to crash. How about this? Why don’t you sleep?

MIKE

Well, I never have on a plane.

LARRY

Just lay back, close your eyes and we’ll be landed before you know it.

MIKE

Ok, I’ll try. Just lay back …

Mike closes eyes, falling asleep. He snores illustriously.

LARRY

Hey! HEY! Wake up. What, is it engrained in you to be annoying?

MIKE

What? What did I do?

LARRY

You snore like thunder with a flu.

MIKE

Well, it’s because I’m on edge, ok?! Ugh. You people are so demanding. You’re ganging up on me.

LARRY, DANIELLE, SAMMY

No, we’re not. That’s not how it is.

MIKE

Yes it is. I’m scared. Can’t you understand? I’m trying! I’ve extended every courtesy I could.

LARRY

All right. You know what? Why don’t we start over, k?

MIKE

I guess! I’ll give this another chance but, I have to get up, first and pee this outta my system.

Larry gets up to let Mike out, who awkwardly leaves aisle. But, he comes immediately back, disturbing all again.

LARRY

What was that about? You didn’t even go!

MIKE

(testily) Someone is in there.

LARRY, DANIELLE, SAMMY

Then wait for them to get out!

MIKE

There is no waiting in the aisle!

SAMMY

Yes, you can, dipshit. The seatbelt sign is off.

DANIELLE

It’s common sense – hello.

Mike hesitates uncomfortably in Larry’s space.

MIKE

I can’t, the attendant is coming.

LARRY

She’s just doing drinks. Go!

Mike goes and is gone for a long beat. Odor comes from bathroom.

LARRY

I can’t breathe!

Mike opens bathroom door. All reel from smell. Masks drop.

ATTENDANT (V/O)

Everyone please remain calm and breathe through the gas masks. This plane is heading down for an emergency landing due to air contamination. Don’t panic; you may pass out.

Mike stands awkwardly in aisle, not needing a mask.

MIKE

Geez, I’m really sorry about this everyone. How embarrassing … I was just holding in so much anxiety …

Some fall to ground, Larry included, trying vainly to reach for Mike’s throat, screaming in mask, but he passes out.

BLACKOUT.