SUPER HIPPIE YOGA SPEAKERS

UBER HIPPIE YOGA SPEAKERS

 

Renée A. Hermiz

 

INT. UBER HIPPIECRATIC & ORGANIC FITNESS STUDIO – DAY

 

BENDY (jolly-natured uber hippie) starts class; LUIS enters.

 

BENDY

A new presence enters our dimension of existence beyond the physical. What’s your term, easy-rider?

 

LUIS

Huh? Oh, hi I’m just here for the Yoga class? My term—name! Aha. I’m Luis.

 

BENDY

Luis, come join the endangered species of the astral plane. Cop a Chapati; let’s day-glow together.

 

The class moves into a forward bend; Luis awkwardly copies.

 

LUIS

I’m sorry, what are we doing?

 

RAVEN

What, are you trippin’ man?

 

BENDY

Tune in, turn on, drop out, Raven. Stop acting like a trippy paraquat and start taming your changes. Lu, be the boss of your blossoming bulbs and guide them upward.

 

LUIS

What bulbs of mine are blossoming?

 

RAVEN

Your freaky toes, man. Like, Bendy, are we gonna have to transmit a Kundalini to this guy all class?

 

LUIS

Hey, I’m just trying to follow along.

 

BENDY

Don’t make me light matches to your bare asses, kids. Lu’s new. Put the kibosh on the bunk and reverse the Chapati, rolo-style.

 

Class moves into different modifications of a wheel.

 

LUIS

Wait, so, I’m supposed to … I’m confused. How should I rolo into it?

 

BENDY

Your ears didn’t receive?

 

LUIS

Is this some kind of required language I need to learn cuz—?

 

RAVEN

Shut your trap and get into a wheel dipstick! It ain’t stars.

 

BENDY

Yikes, Raven, your hate makes my asana throb in the wake of this lip flapping skuzz. Don’t choose off Luis.

 

LUIS

No, no, it’s cool; I’ve been chewed off for confusion before. I can follow. I’ll just keep my lip slappers glued to their flowers and … that … stuff.

 

Bendy changes into a deep lunge stretch; class follows.

 

BENDY

So, when I’m in this position, I like to think about organic vegetables mixed with qinoa and doused with lemon juice–talk about leaving the KYBO with a smile.

 

LUIS

Can I just ask what a kybo is?

 

RAVEN

This ditz meat’s thicker than a 5 dollar malt! Keep Your Bowels Open.

 

LUIS

You keep yours open!

 

BENDY

Rave, you’re being a sosh. Spaz out in my class again and I’ll be forced to make you cut out. Stay strong, Luis. It’s an acro-nym for bathroom. Let’s channel our words into the strobe light of all postures.

 

Class moves into variations of the dolphin or headstand, following Bendy’s instructions. Luis is lost and angry.

 

BENDY (cont)

Allow your zen to be distorted by the blue flamed presence of your hybrid powered lungs. Draw your tubular wand inward to counter the gravitational forces of all your Venus in Furs, pressing your love stalks--.

 

LUIS

--whoa. Whoa! Love stalks? Furs? This is insane! What the freaking Hell are you saying?

 

Class gasps on “hell.”

 

BENDY

I’m gonna stop you right there, space cadet. You are detoxing from the fumes of a peptic society.

  

RAVEN

Patchouli his virgin ass out of the dharma square, Bendy. He’s hassled!

 

BENDY

I swear to Buddha, Raven, one more freak out and I’m flippin you the boogie sign. As part of the uber-hippiecratic creed, I must help this lost soul find the orgo-natural path. Rage on with us Luis as we all blow your H bomb outta this room with the mega body flip. We’ll let this slide.

 

Bendy “flips” into the plow. The class follows.

 

LUIS

Ok, but I’m not a virgin.

 

BENDY

You’re so heard.

 

LUIS

And I’m not a detoxing drug addict.

 

BENDY

Peace in the Middle Beast. So, when I’m in this position I like to think about that organic hunk of rad designs on Vampires and Me.

 

ROBIN

Saber Pureblood? He’s so cosmic.

 

BENDY

My righteous limbs tingle for Saber. That’s right class, Robin and I are only thinking about stretching muscles here.

 

Class nerd-laughs at the joke.

 

LUIS

What else would you be stretching?

 

BENDY

Back up. Widen the legs and shift into psychedelic mid splits as I assess Luis. Lu, you’re turning my groovy into gnarly.

 

LUIS

Well, maybe if you would talk normal, I wouldn’t have to ask all these questions. I can’t understand you or these freaked out rules of entrance. I joined this naked lunch to jet the ego trippin’ napalmers outta my earth and all I’m getting from this tribe is groady negativity up my candy ass!

 

Entire class “whoa’s” in admiration.

 

RAVEN

Whoa, Lu. You’re out of the bone yard.

 

LUIS

What? What are you talking about?

 

BENDY

You just used the language of the flower children. You’re totally detoxing. All is copasetic!

 

LUIS

(near tears) Hey … I … I did, didn’t I? Shine on me, I get it! I’m vibing with the New Age Travelers! I am detoxing!

 

RAVEN

You’re one of us cats now.

 

Class applauds, getting into a legs wide circle feet to feet.

 

BENDY

This is our mutual circle of love for you Luis. When I’m in this position, I like to think about banning bombs and bras … bummers and brody knobs …

BLACKOUT.